Wednesday, September 24, 2014
charactersinthewild:

thisdanobrien:

hellosodas:

Re: Upcoming Opportunities to See and Please Not Touch My Stupid Face
NO DICE, guys
cracked thisdanobrien

Someone made an animated gif of people poking my face, if anyone wanted to know what my nightmares look like.

Another one of these things is today at Zanies in Nashville! I’ll be doing jokes and some other fun stuff. What jokes will I be doing? Great question, NARC, I have no idea, thanks for making me feel like a jerk. (
http://zaniesnashville.laughstub.com/mobile/show.cfm?id=337091&cart
)

charactersinthewild:

thisdanobrien:

hellosodas:

Re: Upcoming Opportunities to See and Please Not Touch My Stupid Face

NO DICE, guys

cracked thisdanobrien

Someone made an animated gif of people poking my face, if anyone wanted to know what my nightmares look like.

Another one of these things is today at Zanies in Nashville! I’ll be doing jokes and some other fun stuff. What jokes will I be doing? Great question, NARC, I have no idea, thanks for making me feel like a jerk. (
http://zaniesnashville.laughstub.com/mobile/show.cfm?id=337091&cart
)
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Saturday, September 6, 2014

haleepls:

hold-a-lover-close:

owlturdcomix:

We go forward.

This is too deep to comprehend.

Stop it

Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Hi my name is Aeneas and I have long auburn (maybe idk) hair (that’s not even close to how I got my name) that i got from my mom and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Venus (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Dido but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a Trojan and my teeth are straight and white. I don’t have pale white skin. I’m also a Roman, and I go found a magic land called Rome in Italy where we have seven hills. the Aeneid, book one (via incorrectclassics)
Thursday, August 28, 2014

Daily Show correspondent Michael Che tries to find a safe place to report from.

(Source: sandandglass)

Saturday, August 23, 2014

(Source: tonysassy)

bitchcraftandwiggatry:

putting my favorite people in a thing → Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Idris Elba as John Smith
Gina Torres
as Jane Smith

"Your aim’s as bad as your cooking sweetheart…and that’s saying something!"

Friday, August 22, 2014

kingcheddarxvii:

effington:

Terrifying

This reminds me of those pictures of the president you sometimes see hanging behind the counter at stores except it’s a dystopian setting where Dennis has taken over and demands a giant framed picture of him in the front display of every store

Thursday, August 21, 2014

mr-cappadocia said: So why does Cracked CONSTANTLY push Feminist propaganda so hard? And let's not bullshit ourselves. You do. Just yesterday you published five articles. Two specifically referenced either Feminism or Feminist backed statistics. Conversely whenever you cover anything related to the opposition you not only mislead about their views... you straight up fucking lie about them and people let you get away with it because you're a "humor magazine". So I'm wondering why you propagandize *so hard*. Why?

sorenbowie:

jetpackexhaust:

codyjohnston:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

Because we’re true believers! 

Let me take this moment to say how Cracked could have gone another direction 7 or 8 years ago, a more Maximy, Booby Gallery of the Day direction if not for the steadfast resistance of David Wong and Jack O’Brien. I barely acknowledge the side that opposes feminism, but Wong goes out of his way to understand people who are mad at feminists, and he writes about those views with more sensitivity and understanding that I could ever muster. 

To sum up: We don’t have an explicit agenda but if one comes across, It’s not one I’m ashamed of. 

Kristi is a liar. I remember the meeting where the Cracked brain trust sat down and was like “From now on let’s occasionally post articles that either directly or conspiratorially tangentially support equal rights for women so we can accomplish our ultimate end goal: Hack into the penis of every man and make it a smaller penis, or a penis that is otherwise laughable for a different reason upon which we all agree. It almost sounds TOO easy,” Jack said, as he (via the mainframe) hacked a young Robert Brockway’s penis. “I think my wife deserves my respect,” the now-neutered Brockway yelped.

#LaughablePenisRights

#NotAllLaughablePenises

It is weird that we do it so constantly, when everybody knows that people only deserve equal rights and treatment between the hours of4 and 7 pm on alternate February the 29ths. At first we worried that we couldn’t cover it all with our current propaganda budget, but we were able to transfer some funding to supporting feminism from our “Don’t be an asshole” budget because it turns out they overlap completely.

Look, I get it buddy. You’re pissed off because you’ve tried to be a good person your whole life and still you feel like you’ve been consistently stripped of the things you thought were guaranteed , and now there is a whole organized movement saying you still have too much, that you, just trying to live your life, is an affront to an entire gender. That’s a shitty feeling, but here’s the thing: no one is actually trying to take anything from you. That sickening feeling you have that your being robbed of basic human rights, there are people around you in your life who are feeling a worse version of that everyday. If you don’t believe me, look at any of the secret camera videos women have taken on the street to catch the verbal abuse they suffer, listen to any of the stories of guys who touch women on crowded trains and then smile at them as they leave because they know there’s nothing she can do about it, read any of the millions of accounts from human beings about the exhausting and demoralizing abuse they put up with every day. And you might not be the guy making them feel that way, I hope you’re not, but holy shit, you can actually help. You can help other people instead of standing in their way because it feels like another inconvenience. Finally, even if the absolute worse case scenario is true: this is one big conspiracy, Cracked and feminists and a huge chunk of the Internet are villainizing men unfairly and creating a culture where you’re no longer allowed to even voice your opinions without people getting angry- even if all of that is true- isn’t that worth preventing an inarguably high percentage of sexual abuse and dangerous objectification of your daughter/ your sister/ your wife? 

Not all the stabs at equality will be smart, or entirely on point or even helpful. This form of feminism is new, chillingly new for how long this shit has been going on, and not everyone is good at it yet, but holy shit, friend, how can you argue against the aim of basic respect for another human being?

XOXO,

Soren

I love the Cracked staff so much sometimes my heart swells and bursts.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I was completely flustered, I came off like an idiot. I mean, at one point, for no reason, I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

(Source: knopetastic)

Sunday, August 17, 2014

thegenuflector:

Anna Faris and Chris Pratt are a pretty great couple.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

(Source: mikerhmantraut)

oh. emotions